So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
