you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
