good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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