i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You dont lie about slip and slides
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
