New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
