You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
