My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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