You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
