Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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