I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
