My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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