you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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