I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
