I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
