3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
