so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Can you bring me the toilet please
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
