and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
