How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
