I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
