this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
