i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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