I puked a lego.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
