He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
