dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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