I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
