my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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