apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
