Define "chronic" masturbator.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Naked. naked and bneed help.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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