His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
