Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
