Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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