There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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