I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
