I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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