I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
