Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
