3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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