I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
