so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
