exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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