everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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