Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
