I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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