i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
