Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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