I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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