Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
