can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
