i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
