I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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